Okay, I’ve been on a learning journey when it comes to setting boundaries and just now, a question popped up. Namely, why does it feel so god-awful to set boundaries? As a recovering people pleaser I’m fairly new to the art of it all, but somehow it shouldn’t really feel this way. Somehow, in my mind, doing things I don’t want to do feels better than actually standing my ground and taking a step back. But why?
It doesn’t come easy to me to think about the past and how it might’ve affected me when it comes to setting boundaries. Ever since I was a kid, I had to go to kindergarten, which I disliked, and then school, which I hated even more. I had to talk to people I didn’t want to talk to and be nice even though I don’t feel like it. As a woman especially, I had to seem likeable and kind. At least that was the goal of it all. Because god forbid I pissed someone off or made myself look bad.
I honestly don’t know what this correlates with. Maybe it’s because I come from a more agreeable culture? In Bulgaria it’s customary to be nice to people, especially those you know. Being perceived as a ‘bad person’ could be social suicide. On the other hand though, I’ve often been referred to as ‘weird’ and ‘too chatty’ which is kind of a stigma in itself. Only with time did I start looking at it with understanding and a sense of pride.
Because of this stigma though, growing up I wanted nothing but to fit in. To be liked. And to do that, I let go of all my barriers and boundaries. I had to appease, after all. So, if anyone asked me of anything, I would probably say yes. I’d make people feel good and at some point even forget about my own existence. This didn’t earn me a lot of friends, honestly. The ones it did get me though, were not really my friends because we got along well, but because I made sure we did.
By the end of high school, I was tired as it was. I wanted something new. A way to rediscover myself and become cooler, both in my eyes and those of other people. Here I realised that people love getting compliments and favours, so that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t need to build strong boundaries, because my point was to make it seem like there weren’t any. Of course, I did have some, but I was generally anxious that someone wouldn’t like me, so I broke them down easily when needed.
But it was in the work world that I first realised I needed very strong boundaries. See, with friendship you get something in return. You get companionship, advice, maybe even a fun time. But with work, you basically get the same things as always — a 40-hour work week with a paycheck as a plus. But that’s about it. And it doesn’t matter if your boss likes you or you work overtime. I know it’s tempting to consider this, but it makes no difference in the end.
In addition to not getting more money or status for working harder, you may even get more work. In my case, I welcomed more work with open arms, but what I also somehow let in were the unsolicited opinions of others. The more I listened to them, the more confused I got with everything. Who was I? What did I want? Why was I listening to these people who knew nothing about me? Why should I work less if I enjoy my workload?
In the end, I felt torn between worlds. On one hand, I was unable to stand my ground as firmly as I would’ve liked. On the other hand, I started doubting myself more than ever. In the end, I do believe my burnout is due to a lack of boundaries, but not related to workload. They’re more related to not having boundaries with other people than anything else.
See, when someone is mean to me, I often ask myself ‘why?’ and try to find an explanation with me at the center. “It’s probably because I did this or said that”. When people don’t reply I often overthink and blame myself of it. If there’s anything that can be done better, god knows, it’s me that should do it and nobody else. That’s the thing. I was taught to always find the fault in myself first. But when burnout came, I had to rediscover something — how to stand up for myself without feeling bad.
The first part is easy. I stand up for myself, cool! But the second part? Oh, boy. I feel so horrible when I set boundaries with people. It’s almost as if it’s my duty to do as they please without considering how I feel in this matter. And you know how I end up feeling? Ashamed and anxious about putting my foot down, even if I do it in the kindest way possible. And it doesn’t help that there’s a certain breed of people who love to make you feel extra bad for not doing everything to please them.
This has been my biggest journey so far. Honestly, it sucks to have to set boundaries in the beginning, especially when all you do is blame yourself. As an empathetic person, it hits twice as hard since it’s not supposed to be this way. In an ideal world, people would respect others’ boundaries. But we’re not there. Very often, personal gains trump over any kind of boundary respect. But no matter how hard it was, I started and let me tell you, I’ve become more and more addicted to it since.
Firstly, I started by acknowledging who I am, what I want and asking myself those questions in order to determine what part of the thing I’m doing because I truly want to and what part I’m doing because someone said I should. This is very important, since if it comes within me, it’s a good reason to set a boundary, but if it comes outside of me, maybe the boundary should be said towards the one imposing their opinions on me. Once this is determined, everything else comes right into place.
I can then think about how to assert the boundary. Should it be immediately as a conversation or should I wait for the breach to happen and then do it? Is it something that I need to put in place in order to protect my peace? Maybe it’s about quitting a job or course, telling someone that what they’re saying is crossing a line or simply cutting your connection to whoever you find yourself communicating with? Each of those needs decicive actions, but nothing is better than confronting the issue head-on.
Honestly, this is the hardest part for me. Confronting something head-on is exhausting and incredibly nerve-wrecking. Especially as a recovering people-pleaser, I can safely say it makes me jitter with anxiety. What if they push back and don’t agree? What if I have to fight for it? What if they try to gaslight me into believing there isn’t anything wrong and it’s simply my imagination? There is so many ways it could go wrong, but in my humble experience there is barely any chance for this to happen.
In my head people always react in such a brash way to counter whatever I have to say to them. But in reality, they are often quite timid and humble. See, when you put your foot down and state your boundaries in a clear, unapologetic way, there is hardly anything anyone can say about it. And this has been my biggest miscalculation yet. For one, I tend to have a strong personality and whenever I say anything, even if I’m not entirely sure about it, it sounds like I’m outstandingly serious and set on it beyond belief. This makes it very hard for people to say ‘no’ on a good day and even if they think of imposing on my boundaries, I make it very difficult for them to do so.
This is something I barely ever considered. People who are outside of my family rarely ever do anything to push my boundaries once they’ve been set, and people inside my family just need to be reminded of why those boundaries are there in the first place. Yes, indeed, the biggest boundaries I do set with my family and it has been working more than well so far. Boundaries around expectations, occupation, personal space and the way they can talk to me are all included and I wouldn’t go back on any of them in the slightest.
I think that ironically, my problem with setting boundaries comes from my parents not respecting my boundaries growing up, as I’ve always been quite close with them. I didn’t think I had to put boundaries with them, until I realised I did, but because they tend to push back, I always assumed other people would push back as well. But they don’t. See, other people, ones who don’t know you well are much more keen on keeping a good face and breaking through your boundaries sets a bad example of who they are as a person. So the key here is to be precise and just set those boundaries as you should. That was my key at least.
Still, it isn’t easy. With time though, it becomes more and more natural though, as long as you get over the fear and anxiety of people pushing back. The tone with which the boundaries are set needs to be non-negotiable. It’s not about whether they want to respect them, it’s about the fact that they need to no matter what. And you know what? You will feel like the villain. It will suck. But with time, you will see the positive changes in your mental health and realise that you don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with or stay anywhere that doesn’t suit you, just because you’re afraid to ask or tell your perspective.
With time, it becomes more natural and even though I’m not there yet, I am surely working on it with all my might. Because at the end of the day, I owe it to myself to respect myself and not let anyone out there disrespect me. Even if they do push back, I will push back harder. Even if someone says ‘no’, I will act accordingly and excommunicate them for good. Because my peace is worth a thousand boundaries and I am more than determined to gain it no matter what it costs. Even if I feel like a fool sometimes, or as if I’m obsessing over something miniscule, it doesn’t matter.
What I’m after is keeping my peace and this is exactly what I plan to do no matter what. Because this is an act of self-love and self-respect and only by being nice to me can I ever truly be nice to other people. And if other people don’t want to be nice to me and insist on stepping over my boundaries, then this is a decision they’ve made and my only rational response is to act accordingly.
Love,
Alex
