It’s a story as old as time. One time, good met evil and they fought to the death. While evil thought it had the upper hand, they were inevitably swept away by good as a force of nature. In the end, only one prevailed. It was good that triumphed over evil and that, kids, is how the world works. But does it?
Ever since we’re kids, we’re told that we need to be good. Just like everything, it can have a few meanings. On one hand, it calls for kindness, generocity, helping people out. On the other hand, it’s often synonymous with being obedient and doing what we’re told. Especially in school, the narrative of the ‘good kid’ is one full of stories about kids who get good grades, always listen to adults and never get out of line. They’re wonderful to deal with and rarely ever get into any trouble. And this goes into adulthood.
As opposed to the ‘bad kid’, the ‘good kid’ is easy to manage. The bad kid talks back, has a mind of its own and is very difficult to control. It doesn’t respond to shame-based discipline techniques and sometimes even gets into physical fights with other kids. Adults too. They have an attitude, talk in class and rarely ever study. By all decrees, the ‘bad kid’ makes everyone’s life more difficult and disturbs the classroom peace. No matter how many times it gets grounded though, there is rarely any effect. The parents are often to blame too.
Unlike the ‘good kid’, the ‘bad kid’ doesn’t listen. While both can be smart, it’s mostly attributed to the one who doesn’t challenge the status quo. And this goes into adulthood. The people who go with the programme, don’t challenge preconceived norms and notions, and just keep the peace are the most cherished members of society. They get good jobs and their amicability makes them the perfect candidates for promotions. The people who don’t ask questions and don’t want to change anything are often times more valued, especially in modern corporate culture. After all, isn’t school just training for real life?
When I was a kid, I thought that school didn’t really teach me much about what I’m interested in. And even if I did memorise the information, I would often be given a lower grade because “I can do better”. Of course I can if I wanted to, but I don’t. Nothing about the system made me inspired. By all means, I was a good kid with a bad attitude. I rarely studied, often fought (especially in elementary school), and didn’t really care about listening in class. I was quiet, but also just 5th grade when I first fell asleep in class. I was sitting front-row, which makes it arguably a lot more shameless.
But the thing I’m trying to get on here is that life is way easier in school. The barrier between good and bad is easily distinguished, and we all know what the reprecussions of each. When we reach adulthood though, it becomes a bigger guessing game. For one, I was raised with the idea of meritocracy — whoever studies the most gets the best grades. The better you are, the better you get. The more you work, the more you earn. But if we look around the world right now, it’s not entirely how the world works and that’s a shame.
Another common sight is that of people being mad at others for not being considerate enough. Since we’re kids, we’ve been taught to play well with others and in my case, this helped me realise that I’ve grown to be quite the people pleaser. In fact, for ages I was always afraid that someone would judge me for what I said, thought or how I acted. And people would often see that and use it against me.
Countless times, I’ve tried being good to someone and the only thing they’ve done in return is stab me in the back. Many times, I’ve done what was expected of me and only ended up disappointed. Until I realised it — in order to be good for everyone else’s sake, I first need to be good for my own sake. As someone raised by a parent who always prided themself in being a ‘good person’, I had a wonderful example of what that’s all about. But as time progressed and my life experience grew, I realised that sometimes when dealing with other people, it’s good to be a bit bad.
The thing is, people get used to you being too good. Despite it being shown as a positive characteristic, it’s also popularly associated with naivety. I can’t count how many times people took my kindness for weakness and how many times they tried taking advantage of me just because I’m nice. To top it off, people in my life have also tried to convince me that I’m egotistical or selfish, even when I wasn’t necessarily so. And you know what I did? I felt bad about it. Because those are characteristics we are told we shouldn’t have.
But at the end of the day, who is more selfish? The person being themselves or the person telling someone else about who they are? With time, I decided this was all unnecessary noise in my viscinity and I should ignore it. Breaking beyond the barriers of good vs evil, or even good vs bad, I realised that life is woven of non-duality. Everything is everything. There is no good or bad — that’s just a matter of perception.
Yes, a kid who sits down quietly and studies is good, but it’s also bad for the kid itself if it later has troubles in life due to this same agreeableness. Yes, a kid who talks back and can’t sit still in class is bad, but this kid might become a very good speaker later on in life and their vivacious nature could open doors for their development. It all has the power to be used for whatever we decide to use it.
But see, it’s not as simple as calling it non-duality and sticking with it. In order to embrace it, I needed to confront my shadow. And in order to do that, I needed to sit down with a lot of life-long trauma related to the struggles with my ‘bad’ side. Until this day, I often feel guilty when asserting my rights or telling someone what I actually think. For ages, I would never dare to do that. I would keep my opinions quiet, as if following a quote from a Fall Out Boy song: “My mind is a safe, and if I keep it in me I’ll get rich”.
At one point though, I realised just what that stemmed from: fear. Fear of being perceived, fear of being disliked, fear of being contradicted and fear of having to defend myself. I was too shy and scared to stand up for myself and speak up when I had to defend myself. After all, what if I was wrong? What if what was best for me was actually bad for other people? I needed to look at myself first and find the guilt within me before looking at others, after all this is how I was taught.
Well, until I realised this is bullshit. With all due respect, who the hell looks to take care of others first before taking care of themselves? No, not even my mother who told me to first find the error in myself. Not even she does this. What she helped do though, albeit unconciously, is make me super afraid of always being wrong. I guess it was all worth it though, since one sunny day I realised there’s nothing wrong in embracing my own shadow. In fact, if I’m perceived as ‘bad’ or happen to be someone else’s karma, I won’t be mad.
And then it arrived, the moment of truth. Long story short, there was this woman that took advantage of young people for their kindness and the perceived debt they owed her. And trust me, she always made sure they feel indebted. Most of the people she surrounded herself with though were either deep under her spell or just too nice to say no. And that was it until she met me. It wasn’t immediately, but I eventually knew there was something wrong. The more I saw, the more certain of it I was, until I finally got myself out of her grip.
Of course, that wasn’t too easy. After a few weeks of break in communication, she started harrassing me, asking for all sorts of things and making me feel forever indebted to her as per usual. Until one day, I decided to make her sign a document that says I don’t owe her anything. This didn’t make her happy and she ended up talking badly about me to someone I worked with. This person was sensible though and hence told me about it. Then, we both decided to not work with this woman again. However, in her story I am the villain and she didn’t do anything bad, on the contrary. She was just too good.
Here is where the fallacy of good and bad in adulthood stands. For her and those who look up to her and believe her antics, she is good. She does good. In their eyes, I am bad, no, evil. No matter the fact that she sees me as a portrait of herself. In her eyes and the eyes of her supporters, I am evil. But in my eyes, I got out of a toxic situation and defended myself from an energy thief who loves to play the victim. Both of us can be good and both of us can be bad, depending on the perception. But the question is, who would I rather be?
The traditional ‘good’ here would be to not rock the boat. To sit back, comply and leave it alone. Tolerate. But I’m not like that. In the spirit of non-duality, I’ve accepted that people can view me however they like. Who am I to judge? But at the end of the day, I choose to protect my energy and forbid such people from entering my life. Those are my boundaries. And actually, in the process of setting up boundaries I noticed a similar experience of guilt and shame. Who am I to set boundaries? What if people feel offended?
You know what? It’s none of my business. They keep telling us that ‘good’ and ‘bad’ mean something, but it’s just a matter of perception. After all, we are the only people who own our motivation. So what if someone talks shit about us? Who cares? As long as we don’t, they can also mind their business. I had quite the journey with accepting what this woman may be talking about me. What colours of evil she may be paiting me in. What she could be telling people around her and how she has been playing the victim again and again. Yes, it’s disgusting but also something to feel sorry about.
I love that I’m able to recognise my true self. I love that duality is someting I’ve grown accustomed to. I’m lucky to be able to see myself in the mirror and love what I’m looking at. This is all just a part of what life is all about. Personal growth, self-development and a general sense of adventure that we all deserve the best of. Yes, I may disappoint a lot of people here and there, this is inevitable. But I owe it to myself to not disappoint myself and keep being true to who I am by not listening what people I wouldn’t like to switch places with are saying about me. After all, good vs evil is just a story and often times, everyone has their own truth which needs to be acknowledged — or not.
Thanks for reading out my rant.
Love,
Alex
