I’ve always wanted to have my own talk show! Yes, those are the words I say when I open up in my new YouTube video, posted under my other alias — alexandrarants. This is a new start that I’ve been looking forward to for a very long time, but for some reason I always felt scared to put myself out there in such a dramatic way. It’s a very personal thing to talk about my most vulnerable moments online with strangers. In addition to that, I’ve always been a bit weary of strangers on the internet so let me clarify it — this is huge!
I remember being at the fragile age of 15 when I first got introduced to YouTube. Although it was at the time nothing like the behemoth it is today, it was still awesome to think that one day I could be a creator on it. Of course, I could’ve been a creator on it all the way back then, but I was way too worried at what people would think. Now, 15 years later and (hopefully) all the wiser, I’m here to make history — personal history. Naturally, I’m still afraid. Those fears are things that don’t go away really quickly and by not doing anything about it. In fact, had I not posted a video now, I would’ve probably still thought about starting that channel 15 years in the future.
But here we are! Video is up and I’m anxiously refreshing to see if anyone else saw it, or if it was just me and my 3 frantic views of “is it good enough?” still on there. Maybe it will look more respectable if I do at least 10? Maybe I should give it a like? Is it something that can be better? Somehow, I can’t stand listening to myself rant anymore, I’ve already spent so much time listening to myself while editing it. Maybe it can be shorter? I honestly don’t know. It’s the anxiety through which I hope people like it but at the same time hope nobody ever gets to see it. Is this really how it feels to be a creator? Is there a middle ground?
19:03
I currently have 2 likes. Both are from myself, because it doesn’t really make a difference. To reach monetisation I need a whole lot more anyways, but honestly, it’s not the priority. I truly believe that as long as I’m having fun and doing what I enjoy things will come naturally. I don’t need to focus on money to get money. I just need to be wise and patient enough to do what I want to do and not stop with it. For example, I’m still translating a kids’ poetry book, writing on this blog and plotting my other books that I’d like to write. Plus, doing this on a full moon makes for one good manifestation, as I’m actively letting go of my previous fears in the most active way possible. And it’s amazing!
19:08
My hair in the video is weird, and all of a sudden I have 2 more views now. Who is that? Will they like it? Maybe they’ll hit the dislike button? Am I a failure? or will it get determined further on? It’s my very first video. Burnout is a popular topic. I’ve been through burnout. Life is good, I believe in people, this would be healing and not just for me. But is this something I’m just telling myself? Or is this something I will have to convince others of as well? Maybe I don’t want to convince anyone of anything. I just want to be and let be, film and let film. Post my thoughts online and forget about the guy on Skype who sent me a photo of his balls when I was 9 or the ladies in that forum who bullied me when I was 16. I deserve better than that. But do I?
19:12
6 views still and I’ve now realised, I could slightly see my laundry in one of the cuts. Am I a loser? Does it matter? Honestly, at this point I’m having fun with watching myself spiral into overthinking and sharing my overthoughts with you here is the tip of the iceberg. This site is even weirder than YouTube since unlike it, I am unable to see who visits it or doesn’t. I’ve also disabled bots. But at the end of the day, what matters is being yourself. I stand behind that 15 year-old girl who wanted to be an actress and put herself out there. I stand with that 24 year-old who bought herself a camera hoping she would vlog but then discovered she felt too embarrassed about it. I stand with that 26 year-old who wanted to study film and make movies. And of course, I stand with the 30 year-old of today who decided to post her first video despite feeling unsure about it. Maybe this is how it starts?
19:17
I’ve decided that it’s not that deep. With time, everything will come into place. For now, my big lesson is that I learnt that it’s not too scary or big or unfathomable of an effort to post a video online. Honestly, it looks way scarier than it actually is. And way more special. For now, it’s just me posting a video into a void of other videos with no definitive return on investment other than the courage it took to post it in the first place. And I’m really happy about it! I may not feel like it now, but I’m sure it makes a lot of sense to persevere with it. Post some more! Embarrass myself if I have to — who cares. When I close the page it’s almost as if there’s nothing there in the first place, so why worry? I don’t want to hurt people. On the contrary, I want to help and think it is amazing to consider this as an opportunity to expand my skillset.
19:26
With time, I will get better at it, I’m certain. I will get better with the editing, the music, the video filming. This time was tough and honestly, if my camera battery hadn’t ran out more than 6 times and my card hadn’t been full more than 2 times, it would’ve been a much better video. But I took it and instead of throwing it to the bin, thinking it can be done better and I’d have to refilm it, I made something of it. I edited it and had fun with making the best of it. Yes, it could’ve been more connected but honestly, it was more of a “fix it in post” situation than anything else. And that’s important! It shows that despite me dreading this process, it was still fun to make and I did my best to deliver the best I can do right now. Yes, it took me longer, but at the end of the day this is what life is all about. Creating and having fun. And oh boy, for the amount of YouTube videos I’ve watched, there will be some creating I have to do after all!
So at the end of the day…
Here’s the video! Does it have the best visuals? Probably not. Best thumbnail? I don’t really know. Best narrative? No idea. But you know what? For a first video it’s just okay. I can’t expect to have thousands of views on my very first video. It’s not some marvelous cinematic masterpiece and it doesn’t offer anything too out there yet. It’s made of 5-6 disjointed video clips I haphazardly made while my camera was in the process of dying and being revived. My hair is messy, I’m messy and I can’t expect to be perfect. But you know what? I had fun! That’s what’s most important here and honestly, I don’t regret it.
Whatever happens, I prefer being the version of me that takes this leap of faith than the one that still cowers and makes excuses not to start. Yes, a million things can be better but at the end of the day, life is all about doing things. And besides — with all the other plans I have, maybe this humble rant channel will give me a solid enough place to start thinking bigger and better. Maybe it will allow me to become the creator I’ve always wanted to be? I mean, the more I create the more creativity will come to me and the easier all of it would get. After all, the key thing here is to enjoy myself and grow. Something about YouTube has always made me nervous and honestly, I couldn’t be more happy and blessed to get the resolve to finally get on with it.
So after reading all of this — the rant, the worry, the overthinking — think about this. What does it mean for you to get out of your comfort zone? And also, would you consider that once you’ve gotten out of it you can keep getting out of it for good? Once I’ve gotten out of my comfort zone, maybe I won’t settle for that. I would probably want more, think bigger, go further and aim higher. That’s just in the human set of things. So instead of thinking how I can stay in the same place and feel different, maybe I should continue to softly push the preconceived boundaries I have in my head. Instead of being worried about what people might think, maybe I should be worried about not expressing myself enough. It’s time to shift the focus to an internal one. It’s time to go at everything I want to do with pride and know that it will all be okay, as long as I believe in myself and promise not to let myself down.
Because you know what? When creativity is concerned, we should be our biggest fans. Nobody else can tell us our work is good but us. There are as many viewpoints as there is people and if there is people who don’t understand, there will definitely be people who do. So let’s go for it and forget about our struggles. Or, better yet, embrace our struggles and be whoever we want to be inspite of them. This is what life is all about and it’s honestly one big, joyful experience of pushing my personal boundaries, embracing my fears and loving every minute of my creative chaos. Let it be known. Life is more than conforming to what everyone else thinks should be done or what everyone says is good or bad. Do whatever the f-ck you want. Live life anyways. Embrace it. Because it’s never as big or scary as we imagine.
We can win the game of life by simply trying and leaving the outcome in God’s hands. But trying gives us courage. Everything else comes in its place eventually and trust me, it’s often better than we ever imagined.
Love,
Alex
